You Don’t Need to Be a Therapist to Save a Life
Someone you care about is in pain, and you’re scared. Maybe they said something alarming. Maybe you noticed warning signs. Maybe they told you directly that they want to die. Your instinct might be to freeze, to change the subject, to pretend you didn’t hear it. Don’t. Your willingness to show up in this moment — imperfect as it might feel — could be the thing that keeps them alive.
Research consistently shows that most people who survive a suicidal crisis do not go on to die by suicide. The crisis is temporary, even when it doesn’t feel that way. Your role isn’t to fix everything. It’s to bridge the gap between the crisis moment and professional help.
What to Say (and What Not To)
Ask directly. “Are you thinking about killing yourself?” This question scares people, but decades of research confirm that asking about suicide does not plant the idea. It actually reduces distress by showing the person they don’t have to carry this alone. Be direct. Vague questions like “you’re not going to do anything silly, are you?” minimize their pain.
Listen without fixing. Your job right now is not to solve their problems. It’s to hear them. “Tell me what you’re going through” opens the door. Let them talk. Resist the urge to immediately offer solutions or silver linings. Feeling heard is often more powerful than any advice you could give.
Validate their pain without endorsing suicide. “I can hear how much pain you’re in. That sounds unbearable.” Not: “It’s not that bad” or “other people have it worse.” Dismissing their experience pushes them further into isolation.
Avoid these responses:
- “You have so much to live for” — feels dismissive when someone can’t see those things
- “Think about how this would affect your family” — adds guilt to agony
- “Suicide is selfish” — shaming someone in crisis is dangerous
- “Just call a hotline” — don’t outsource the conversation. Be present.
Practical Steps That Can Save a Life
- Stay with them. Don’t leave someone in active crisis alone. Your physical presence provides safety. If you can’t be there in person, stay on the phone.
- Remove access to lethal means. This is one of the most evidence-backed suicide prevention strategies. If they have firearms, medications, or other means available, work with them (or their family) to temporarily remove or secure these items. Studies show that putting distance and time between a suicidal person and lethal means significantly reduces deaths, because most suicidal crises are short-lived.
- Help them connect to professional support. Offer to call 988 together. Offer to drive them to an emergency room. Offer to sit with them while they call their therapist. The key word is “together” — don’t just hand them a phone number and walk away.
- Create a safety plan. Once the acute crisis has passed, help them identify warning signs, coping strategies, people to call, and professional resources. A written safety plan reduces future suicide attempts by 43% according to a 2018 study.
- Follow up. The days and weeks after a suicidal crisis are high-risk. Check in regularly. A text saying “thinking about you today” takes 10 seconds and tells the person they matter.
Warning Signs to Watch For
Sometimes people don’t say “I want to die.” Watch for:
- Talking about being a burden: “Everyone would be better off without me”
- Expressing hopelessness: “Nothing will ever get better”
- Giving away possessions, especially meaningful ones
- Sudden calmness after a period of severe depression (may indicate a decision has been made)
- Withdrawing from everyone
- Increasing alcohol or drug use
- Researching methods or putting affairs in order
- Saying goodbye in ways that feel final
Taking Care of Yourself Through This
Supporting someone who is suicidal is emotionally exhausting. You cannot pour from an empty cup. Make sure you’re talking to someone about how this is affecting you — a friend, a therapist, a support group. You are not responsible for another person’s choices, and carrying that weight alone will break you down.
If you’re supporting someone with depression, the DASS-21 can help both of you understand the severity of what they’re experiencing.
Frequently Asked Questions
What if they make me promise not to tell anyone?
Don’t make that promise. You can say: “I care about you too much to keep this to myself if your life is at risk. I’d rather have you angry at me than not have you at all.” Breaking confidence to save a life is always the right call.
What if I say the wrong thing?
Showing up imperfectly is infinitely better than not showing up at all. The person in crisis needs to know someone cares, not that someone has all the answers. Your presence matters more than your words.
Should I call 911 even if they don’t want me to?
If someone is in imminent danger — they have a plan, access to means, and intent to act — call 911. Yes, they might be angry. But alive and angry is better than the alternative. In less acute situations, calling 988 together can provide guidance on appropriate next steps.
